Sunday, January 25, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Current Banking Crises Explained
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars.'
Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars.'
Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Rockatoo, a Cockatoo doing Rock & Roll!
Rockatoo! Fantastic and funny video of a cockatoo rocking and rolling to music, and even acknowledged the applause at the end!
Enjoy, please!
Enjoy, please!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Why America is in Trouble
You know, these are damm funny, BUT, when you stop & think about it, its really sad & scary because these are the people that make the laws in the United States, the most powerful Country in the world!
WHY AMERICA IS IN TROUBLE
A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why America is in trouble:
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window (On an airplane!?).
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.' Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa. Her response, click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, because Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't get smart with me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very narrow state!" (Oh, my God!).
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada?' I said, No. She then said, "But they look so close on the map".
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he only had a one-hour layover in Dallas. I asked him why he wanted to rent a car. He replied, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time (Aghhhh!).
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 AM and got to Chicago at 8:33 AM. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.. Finally, I told her the plane went really fast and she accepted that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?' I said, 'No. Why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude.' After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it –I was laughing-- I came back and explained that the code for the Fresno, CA airport is 'FAT', Fresno Air Terminal, and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.
10.. A lady Senator called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?' I asked if she meant she was flying to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yeah, whatever, smarty!
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he also needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and Ihave never had to have one of those.' I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!
12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations. 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes. What flights do you have?' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' The lady retorted, 'Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo, do you?' The reply? 'Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in AND who is causing it!!
WHY AMERICA IS IN TROUBLE
A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why America is in trouble:
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window (On an airplane!?).
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.' Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa. Her response, click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, because Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't get smart with me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very narrow state!" (Oh, my God!).
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada?' I said, No. She then said, "But they look so close on the map".
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he only had a one-hour layover in Dallas. I asked him why he wanted to rent a car. He replied, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time (Aghhhh!).
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 AM and got to Chicago at 8:33 AM. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.. Finally, I told her the plane went really fast and she accepted that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?' I said, 'No. Why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude.' After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it –I was laughing-- I came back and explained that the code for the Fresno, CA airport is 'FAT', Fresno Air Terminal, and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.
10.. A lady Senator called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?' I asked if she meant she was flying to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yeah, whatever, smarty!
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he also needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and Ihave never had to have one of those.' I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!
12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations. 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes. What flights do you have?' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' The lady retorted, 'Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo, do you?' The reply? 'Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in AND who is causing it!!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
21 Pieces of Advice...
... your mum should have told you if she hasn't
There’s some life advice you’ll only ever learn from your mum, bless her! But we’re not always listening when she shared it. Here’s a quick refresher…
1. Got the hiccups? A spoonful of peanut butter will stop them in their tracks.
2. Avoid chipped nail polish by dipping your nails in cold water when you’ve finished painting them.
3. Pouring white wine over a red wine stain will save your clothes from a messy death. We’re serious! Rinse the white wine out then machine wash as normal.
4. If you sit in gum, pop your pants in the freezer for a few days. This freezes the chewy solid and it should peel off easily.
5. Chill your used tea bags and use them to get rid of eye puffiness.
6. Leftover takeaway does not improve with age. Store your Chinese/Thai/Indian leftovers in a glass or porcelain dish (seal with cling wrap) and eat within 24 hours.
7. At a barbecue, put some freshly chopped mint in a vase to keep the flies and mozzies away. They hate the smell.
8. For brighter clothes, add about 1/3 cup of white vinegar to the rinse cycle when washing.
9. Keep two chopping boards in your kitchen (one for meat, one for vegies) and as they become overscored (with cutting marks), replace them. Bacteria breeds inside the scores.
10. Stop your mirrors from fogging up by applying a thin film of shaving cream or liquid soap. Use a lint free cloth too.
11. Stop your potatoes from sprouting green shoots by storing them with an apple.
12. Got ants? Find out where they’re coming from, then sprinkle a trail of sage, cinnamon or pepper around these areas.
13. Constantly talking on the phone will clog your pores.
14. Possums on the roof driving you nuts? Mix a little olive oil and chilli powder and sprinkle it around the gutters. They’ll soon vacate the premises.
15. Seal bananas in a brown paper bag if you want to speed up the ripening process.
16. Onions won’t make you cry if you store them in the fridge and peel them under cold running water.
17. If you spill wax on the carpet, place a piece of brown paper on it and iron lightly on low heat. The wax will stick to the paper.
18. Microwave lemons for 30 seconds before squeezing to get more juice out of them.
19. Clean up rusty pots and pans by rubbing half a potato dipped in baking soda over their wet surfaces.
20. The key to cooking the perfect steak is to only turn it once.
21. Your candles will burn a lot longer if stored in the fridge until just before use.
There’s some life advice you’ll only ever learn from your mum, bless her! But we’re not always listening when she shared it. Here’s a quick refresher…
1. Got the hiccups? A spoonful of peanut butter will stop them in their tracks.
2. Avoid chipped nail polish by dipping your nails in cold water when you’ve finished painting them.
3. Pouring white wine over a red wine stain will save your clothes from a messy death. We’re serious! Rinse the white wine out then machine wash as normal.
4. If you sit in gum, pop your pants in the freezer for a few days. This freezes the chewy solid and it should peel off easily.
5. Chill your used tea bags and use them to get rid of eye puffiness.
6. Leftover takeaway does not improve with age. Store your Chinese/Thai/Indian leftovers in a glass or porcelain dish (seal with cling wrap) and eat within 24 hours.
7. At a barbecue, put some freshly chopped mint in a vase to keep the flies and mozzies away. They hate the smell.
8. For brighter clothes, add about 1/3 cup of white vinegar to the rinse cycle when washing.
9. Keep two chopping boards in your kitchen (one for meat, one for vegies) and as they become overscored (with cutting marks), replace them. Bacteria breeds inside the scores.
10. Stop your mirrors from fogging up by applying a thin film of shaving cream or liquid soap. Use a lint free cloth too.
11. Stop your potatoes from sprouting green shoots by storing them with an apple.
12. Got ants? Find out where they’re coming from, then sprinkle a trail of sage, cinnamon or pepper around these areas.
13. Constantly talking on the phone will clog your pores.
14. Possums on the roof driving you nuts? Mix a little olive oil and chilli powder and sprinkle it around the gutters. They’ll soon vacate the premises.
15. Seal bananas in a brown paper bag if you want to speed up the ripening process.
16. Onions won’t make you cry if you store them in the fridge and peel them under cold running water.
17. If you spill wax on the carpet, place a piece of brown paper on it and iron lightly on low heat. The wax will stick to the paper.
18. Microwave lemons for 30 seconds before squeezing to get more juice out of them.
19. Clean up rusty pots and pans by rubbing half a potato dipped in baking soda over their wet surfaces.
20. The key to cooking the perfect steak is to only turn it once.
21. Your candles will burn a lot longer if stored in the fridge until just before use.
Friday, January 09, 2009
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