Thursday, February 25, 2010

3 Ways to Fail a Drunk Test

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Seven Reasons Not To Mess With Children

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.’

The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’

The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him.’


2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’


3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy father and thy mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’


4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’

Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of Grandma’s hairs are white?’


5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’


6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’

‘Yes,’ the class said.

‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’

A little fellow shouted, ‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’


7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE… God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Age

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one....

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High school.

'Yes. Yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.

'When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'In 1967. Why do you ask?'

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired man asked, 'What did you teach?'

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Australian Lawyers Education

The son of a farmer from the outback
goes off to study Law at university. Not half
way through the semester he has blown all of
his money on the high city life.

He calls home. 'Dad, you won't believe what
modern education is developing. They actually
have a program here at the Uni that will
teach a dog how to talk.'

'Bloody amazing!' his Dad says. 'Could we get
Ol' Blue into the program?'

'No worries, just send him down here with
$2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get
him into the course.'

So father sends down the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the
money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So
how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants
to know.

'Awesome Dad! He'd talk ya bloody head off.
But you just won't believe this. He's such a
brilliant talker, they'd like him to have a
go in the reading class!'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding!
Jeez, I knew he was smart. Can you get Ol'
Blue into that program?'

'Just send $4,500. He's as good as in.'

As quick as the money arrives, it is spent.

At the end of the term the young bloke
realises a problem...When he goes home for
the holidays, his father will find out the
dog can neither talk nor read. So on the way
home he stops and shoots the dog.

When he arrives home his father is all
excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait
to talk with him and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'It all had a bad
outcome. Yesterday morning, just before we
left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the
living room reading the Wall Street Journal.
Out of nowhere he turned to me and asked,
'So, is your dad still having an affair with
that little redhead barmaid from the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I'll have to
shoot that bastard before he blabs to your
Mother!'

'I already did, Dad!'

'Good boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.